Have you ever given much thought to vending machines?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Me either. Yet somehow twice in recent weeks the topic of vending machines has managed to worm its way into my consciousness.

The first time was a headline last week that excitedly proclaimed, “Kraft Testing Interactive Vending Machines!” My first thought was, “Is this progress?”

Don’t get me wrong. I love technology and I’ll happily adopt any new electronic gadget that somehow improves my life. But in this case, I’m truly puzzled about how this is going to make my life better.

After all, what is society really going to be gaining from interactive snack machines? (Well, except, of course, a few more pounds and the health problems that will come with them.) 

But you can rest assured that Kraft had anticipated my question and had the answer ready and waiting.

According to the press release I tracked down, the reason interactive snack machines are such great news is that now consumers can have “a dramatically improved vending experience simply through the touch of a screen.” In fact, Kraft eagerly promises that I’m in for a real treat with this “engaging, contemporary vending experience.”

Honestly, Kraft, do you think my current vending experience really needs improving? In fact, I’ve never even thought of buying a candy bar as an experience before. But then again I suppose that’s the point.

With the animation, videos, and interactive promotional offers you plan to be offering, isn’t what you really mean, Kraft, is that you’ve figured out a way to mesmerize us into coughing up more cash for snacks? And unless you’re offering apples or carrots in those vending machines I’d say what you’re truly providing consumers with is a highly engaging fast lane to obesity, diabetes, and heart disease.

And that brings me to the second vending-machine story that caught my eye recently. And this one, thankfully, has a positive spin.

One Ohio high school installed a baby-carrot vending machine. And despite the naysayers who predicted that the students would shun the carrots and instead opt for the standard sugary or salty snacks, the kids actually greeted the machine with enthusiasm.

In fact, according to the school’s pleased principal, students were purchasing snack packs of carrots within less than an hour after the machine was installed. Of course, I do have to wonder whether if the school had installed one of Kraft’s new animated magical-light-show machines at the same time, if the baby carrots would have stood even a smidgen of a chance.

Personally, I’m still holding out hope that Captain Carrot will come out on top in the vending-machine wars.

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