Not Tonight Dear: How to Get the Magic Back
Believe it or not, sometimes we are just too tired to have sex. No, really.
Long days at work, busy households, stress, managing the children’s daily activities, newborn babies and countless other worries are enough to exhaust anyone into using the bedroom for one sole purpose: sleep.
Women: sleep vs. sex
Researchers from the Kinsley Institute reported that today’s women have less sex than women did in the 1950s. The researchers carried out a survey of 853 women between the ages of 20 and 65. The survey showed that one in three married women have sex a minimum of two to three times per week.
The survey also found that women have less time for sex and when they do have spare time, it is spent mostly on leisure activities. Another survey reported that many women are sleep deprived due to the combination of work and raising children. When faced with sleep versus sex, it appears that sleep is the most frequent choice.
Men: sleep vs. sex
A survey of 650 working men found that 50% of men are simply too tired for a social life or to have sex when they get home from a busy day. When given a choice between an extra hour in bed or sex, most working men choose sleep over having sex. The men in this survey also reported that their work was the most demanding part of their life, thereby leaving little time for sex.
Despite the demands of work, many men reported that they were not too tired or stressed to fantasize about sex. According to this survey, one in five men think about sex within one minute of the start of a business meeting.
Long hours = no sex
A survey carried out by the Institute of Personnel and Development in the UK found that almost one in three people working more than 48 hours per week are so exhausted when they come home that it affects their sex lives. The survey also reported that the long work hours lead to arguments and other domestic problems.
How to get the magic back
There is no doubt that balancing work, a relationship and household duties takes lots of time, patience and communication. Here are some tips to help you and your mate to rekindle some of the magic.
1. Use the bedroom for sleep or sex ONLY: Avoid reading, watching TV or any other activity in the bedroom but sleep or sex. This way, when you’ll enter the bedroom, you’ll have one of two things on your mind.
2. Manage your stress: When you are too stressed, you cannot sleep. If you cannot sleep, you are exhausted and sex is the last thing on your mind. Stress can lower both male and female libido. Stress can make men impotent and make women uninterested in sex; in many cases it interferes with their menstrual cycle. People who are highly stressed will avoid sexual intercourse as it either takes too much time or requires too much energy. A person who is mildly stressed, which is quite common in today’s world, tends to find sex as a natural stress release rather than a source of exhaustion.
3. Get more sleep: More sleep means that you can have energy for other things. Sleep may be the reason you and your partner are not having sex, but the REAL underlying reason is that your have poor sleep habits and are not making optimal use of your sleeping time.
4. Make a date: You may be thinking “Oh my, has it come to the point where we have to schedule our sexual activities,” but really, you are only scheduling time together. When you were dating, you used to go on scheduled dates, right? Why not do the same when married or in a committed relationship. Take turns organizing an intimate night at home, take weekends trips or spend the evening in a hotel.
5. Get on the same schedule: Coordinate your daily rhythm to your partner’s. That way, when they are energized, you are energized and when they are sleepy, so are you.
6. Communicate: If you are getting frustrated with the lack of intimacy in your relationship, talk about it with your partner. If you find you and your mate are at a standstill, maybe you should consider couple’s counseling.
About the author
Dr. Jean-Jacques Dugoua, or Dr. JJ, as he is affectionately known, is a Doctor of Naturopathic Medicine (ND), the Director of the Liberty Clinic and a PhD candidate at the University of Toronto. He is also a researcher at Sick Kids Hospital (Toronto) and a published author.
You can read more of his work at www.askdrjj.com.