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Outrageous Sentences Actually Typed By Medical Secretaries!
By Jimmy Mengel on 03/04/2009
These are sentences actually typed by National Health Service's (the publicly funded healthcare system of the United Kingdom) medical secretaries:
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
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Jimmy Mengel was the original managing editor of Healthier Talk.
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Comments
Anonymous
I got such a kick out of this post. Thanks, I shared it with a few friends.
Jeannie
http://www.health-doc.com
Anonymous
And these people get paid for what?! Honestly, I really think they all need proof readers.
Anonymous
Hilarious! I have been in the medical field for over 25 years and
found these to be hysterical! Sent it to all my medical pals... best laugh I have had for a long time.
Goddess Sj H.
Hi,
This article is the BEST lesson I have seen on why everyone should get a copy of their medical records!!! While it is a stitch and a half, it is also horrifying! In the last 12 months a hospital in one of the conglomerates has "killed" at least 5 patients due to information in medical records that is wrong! Someone entered wrong data ONCE and it was just carried forward for the rest of the patients' lives!
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get your whole familie's records and to over them for funny material and for errors. You can save your life and your loved ones' lives, count on it.
I had the joy of trying to convince a nurse to enter what I said into my records...she flat out refused to do it! At our next meeting I am going to simply tell the intake nurse that if they do not enter it correctly and as I tell them to, I will demand to see the manager and report them for malpractice.
The other part of this story is that, as our health records become pretty much public property with the government's new health directive, we are going to look like a bunch of simpletons due to the intake nurses' and doctors interpretations of what we are telling them! Once these entries have been made, you will be unable to change them!
I have decided to write a consise version of my medical history and have it scanned into the system. As part of this document I will list all current diagnoses and what I am doing about them: such as "near-sightedness @ wear corrective lenses". This document will be updated every time I have any interaction with a MD, PA, nurse practitioner, etc. so that the local intake personnel will have NO room to interpret what I say.
As the new health care agenda speeds along, we need to be very proactive in our insistance that our medical records are consistent among health providers. It's a great idea to keep your files at home updated in case of an emergency. Thank you, Jimmy for bringing this to light. Sj
Vicki
I have seen multiple errors in my hospital records over the years, but I think the worst one was when they marked my gender as "male." I was born a female and will die a female. I would get reference letters from those in the know, but most of these "males" have either died or left the country. Therefore, I am stuck with this on my record. Talk about flunking anatomy and physiology!
dlh
These are really quite hilarious.
Actually we are called medical transcriptionists and have been instructed to type "exactly" what the doctor says. We are not supposed to take the liberty of correcting/ changing what the dictator has said.
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